| this did not just happen. i just wrote probably the longest entry i've ever written, and then my connection died and i lost it all. I just wasted almost an hour out of my life. I will foolishly attempt to write it again.
I feel like im waiting. it seems like every day im overcome with a feeling of anxiety. Like im always waiting for the class im in to be done, for the day to be over, or for the weekend to finally arrive. But even when these times come, i still feel anxious. I know were in high school, and we are waiting, but i feel like im not living up to what i feel i should be, i feel im not enjoying my time in high school as much as others. I mean we still have a whole year and a half until everyone goes off to college, but i feel like i should be preparing for something else. I want to be in a band. Not a "hey you wanna jam or something" kind of band, but a freaking hardcore (not the genre hardcare ) touring, rocking, "man the show you guys just put on made my eardrums explode" kind of band. And while society today says 'music is a difficult industry, its hard to be successful', and my conscience tells me to drop my dreams of playing with a band that takes over the world, i feel like it could be what i want to do. Sure, we all have 'grown up' jobs we'd like to have. Like, i would think it would be cool to become an aeronautical engineer, which is what i am trying to prepare for in high school;but i believe i could be successful in music. I mean i see bands like 'good charolette' and 'simple plan', and how terrible they are, and i think to myself that if they can make it, i can. Not that i'm saying "Oh im so much better than them", but i can name off so many undeserving bands that make so much money that are terrible, its not even funny. i may sound cheesy, but i believe i was blessed with the talent that i have. I mean, its not like i was born with it, ive been playing music for about a decade and ive had to work hard to understand what i do; but the guitar came so naturally. And even now, in these past couple of months, I've been seriously pushing my abilities and knowledge of the instrument (darn you intervallic arpeggios!), that i feel im substantially more accomplished than i was even a half year ago. I feel that it would be a waste if all i did with my life was go to a 4-year college and study for a 9-5 cubical job that i work at for the rest of my life. That, plus i would give up everything to have a shot at doing what i would love to do. I mean, if someone came up to me and said "If you come with me, i know 3 other serious musicians who want to play and love the music that you do, want to perform, write, and take over the world. Oh and i also have connections with record labels and concert venues." (not that this would ever happen), i would probably drop everything i was doing and follow him. I would gladly start at the bottom of everything and work hard however many years just for that kind of oppurtunity. I dont know what drives the way i feel about this; whether it's the music, performing, or a feeling that there's something bigger for me out there, that i'm destined to become someone that everyone knows, or desire to be the guy that 20 years down the road, my friends or people who even know who i am would look back and say " I knew that guy back in high school, before his band hit it big." I feel like that's what i'm waiting for, but im not sure.
Does anyone else feel this way? I guess now i just have to wait to see what im really waiting for. |
